Salt Lake City, UT – In response to yesterday’s nationwide honoring of veterans in the armed services, U.S. army veteran Channing Verbatum confessed to loved ones this afternoon that he feels his duties have been eclipsed by the peace-bringing fortitude of the marijuana joint.
“I fought for the freedom of this country knowing that I might die, lose some limbs, suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, scar my loved ones for life, and have it all be in vain for a generation of unappreciative children,” Verbatum said. “But I had no idea at the time that marijuana would be this prominent. And now, quite frankly, I feel my duties were pointless.”
Upon hearing his loved ones — 3 Mormon families, each with 12 people — react with such statements as, “No, you did this country a true service, Channy,” and “I bet marijuana smokers wish they were half as brave as you, Chanster,” Verbatum ignored them and went on to muse about how if the government had only allocated funds to the marijuana industry and “Mandatory Marijuana” bills for powerful politicians, wars and international violence would plummet while happiness would soar.
“Why are we not funding this?!” Verbatum memeatically concluded. “Look, okay, the military keeps unemployment down because it attracts youngins who are useless in every day life. But who’s to say they wouldn’t thrive in the joint business? They could travel all over the world and give free samples of joints to soldiers, politicians, and crystal meth drug lords, and BAM! That’s the sound of no more violence!”
Verbatum’s loved ones then concluded he was rambling and needed to smoke a joint. After handing him a joint, the loved ones waited as he smoked it and slowly said, “See, it solves everything. Well…it wouldn’t do much good for starving kids in Africa. But hey, it’s making me hate you guys less!”
Verbatum then announced his plans to raise online awareness for the peace-harboring benefits of marijuana by creating a page entitled “4Chan.”