It takes a lot of courage and emotional stability to invite a bunch of lazy, obnoxious so-called “friends” and “family” over to your place for a Super Bowl party. With all the screaming, yelling, fighting, and farting, the average person is driven mad about 5.2 minutes into the event. On top of that, when it is finally over and you have to clean the goddamn mess up, you ask for help and get the basic bitch answer of “sucks to suck.” So here are 7 tips on how not only to survive, but to thrive in any Super Bowl party you throw.
This will help cover the costs of the long hours you spent running away from kids with the stolen Trix at the grocery store. You can also finally afford a butler from “da hood,” who will wait on you hand-and-foot during the game. From providing foot massages to tackling and breaking someone’s legs if they can’t hang, no watch party is complete without a freaking ghetto butler service.
Your guests, both invited and uninvited, will least expect this. Not only does your stale food that has been left out for a few weeks stay clean of bugs, but your family and friends will be too busy coughing and slowly dying to have time to yell at the television and keep annoying you.
In the heat of football games, it can be common for people to launch objects at the television. However, if you hire a professional sniper (or Bradley Cooper) and place him in the room, ready to open fire on whoever launches the first object, projectiles and humans have been proven to decrease by over 66 percent! Not even Geico can save you that much.
Studies show that people wear clothes to watch parties 90% of the time. That’s boring. Now’s your chance to invite the hottest girls and hottest guys on the block and have an excuse to see them in their birthday suit. This also prevents further embarrassment when one’s team is losing, as they are already butt-ass naked in front of hot people they just met.
Year after year the children get more annoying from constantly smearing their greasy, privileged hands all over the televisions and laptops they thought were touch-screens, spilling perfectly good milk onto a disgustingly ugly carpet that was recently fumigated, and crying about how they didn’t get enough toys for the day. That is why we at the Daily Jade recommend providing soundproof cages — or “kennels,” for you liberal political activists who can’t function without a euphemism. Just simply tell the kids to take a nap for the long game, and then softly lock them in the most space-efficient kennel available. Keep your sniper on them if they get rowdier than your drunk, hot friends.
Everyone will be doing this after the game anyway. Be ahead of the curb and do it before the game ends OR starts. Not only will this attract good attention to your watch party, but the chemicals being burned off your gold-painted couch will add a savory, unforgettable flavor. The only side effects are: excessive diarrhea, vomiting, running around with an axe, eating faces, and winning the Super Bowl.
This is one of the best ways to make friends and show that you are a true fan. Nobody will question your loyalty if you buy gear for both teams, and whichever team loses, you can send the leftover gear to Africa for a tax writeoff. It’s a win-win for everyone.