1. He has shitty students meet him at the farm he grew up on to collect horse semen
There’s nothing wrong with that. Gottfredson grew up on a farm, and life on the farm can be tough, especially if you’re walking through shit all day and drinking warm fucking milk. Gottfredson wants to give UO’s shitty students the discipline he was lucky enough to pick up at the farm.
“To this day I can attribute working on the farm to dealing with the stupid fucking students here at U of O,” Gottfredson said. “Whenever they drive me crazy, all I want to do is have them collect horse semen like I did back in the day.”
That will teach them to throw snowballs at innocent professors.
2. He sold his motorcycle for hookers
Gottfredson wanted to go backpacking around Europe. And what’s in Europe? Hookers. Lots of them. Everywhere you go there are hookers ready to have sex with good-looking academics like Gottfredson.
“Oh yeah, I was seduced as easily as slicing warm butter with a fucking katana,” Gottfredson confirmed. “
Fortunately, he claims to not have collected any STDs from them. He lives a happy, abstinent marriage with his wife today.
3. He protested against American Freedom
Gottfredson spoke out against the Vietnam War while in college, which means he hates American Freedom.
Think about it: What was the purpose of the Vietnam War? To stop Communism. So when you protest against something that goes against Communism, that means you hate the American Economy. And if you hate the American Economy, you hate American Freedom.
“It was great that we all banded together to protest against our freedom,” said the American Freedom-bashing bastard.
4. He’s facking Bri’ish
Okay, hold up, hold up—so you’re telling me that we had to gain independence from these lime-eating scum, and now we’re letting people who supported them become presidents of our universities? I mean, Gottfredson lived in London and worked for the British Home Office, so of course he was supporting those twats.
What will we allow next? Governor of our states? Senator? President of Amur’ca?
“Actually, I want to be the Prime Minister someday,” Gottfredson said.
Ah, haell naw! A liberal campus like UO—we ain’t letting no British take over the United States of Amur’ca!
5. He got married in college like a dumbass
Knowing there was no other time for a horse semen-collecting, hooker-loving, American Freedom-hating British commie to have a sliver of a chance at finding love, Gottfredson let himself get whipped around by his girlfriend like a bad dog during a Canadian mush race. Yes, Canadian—Canadian isn’t American.
And the poor bastard never had a chance to enjoy the holy grail of American college freedom: threesomes.
The freedom-despising dumbass declined to comment.